Wednesday, August 30, 2023

The Origins of the Thirty Course War
      The continent of Epicurea had long known peace. Certainly there were the occasional uprising, riot, food fight or revolt along with the odd dynastic squabble or border conflict but, on the whole, the land had known peace for the better part of a century. That was before the Great Debate had degenerated into the Grand Conflict which, as everyone knows, brought about the the Irredeemable Disagreement. The humble origin of this continent shattering cataclysm was the issue of The Small Plate; more specifically whether one could legitimately replace lunch with a selection of Small Plates as a proper form of repast if one was considering a larger meal later that day. Not that anyone had ever done such a thing, just whether, as a point of philosophy and practicality, it would be proper to do so.




      At first it was just a matter of idle chatter, then positions became more heated and crystallized. As the years passed and the matter consumed more and more of the Epicureans political consciousness secret groups began to form practicing the forbidden habit of snacking instead of eating a proper meal. Some even went so far as to avoid eating a proper meal altogether and subsisting entirely on The Small Plate. The establishment was horrified at such thoughts and responded with even more stringent rules of etiquette.
      Finally the famous philosopher and chef, Joel Robuchon, nailed his now famous 95 Recipes to the door of the Culinary Arts University in the capitol of Gluttonia. Outraged by such impudence the Emperor of Gluttonia, Ferdinand de Flamboise III, place Robuchon under edict and revoked his license to cook. Furthermore he demanded that once a month every citizen of the Empire would serve a Thirty Course Feast. Chaos ensued, poorer citizens remarked that their feast would be thirty courses of beans, consisting of a single bean in each course; rich citizens replied that the poor could join them as no person could be expected to eat so much and food would be otherwise wasted.
       Robuchon fled to a sympathetic nobleman's estates where he continued with his seditious preaching. The Empire trembled on the brink of dissolution. The neighboring nations of Freedonia, Ferndalia and Boozonia were impacted as well with the heretical ideas being scorned in Freedonia, accepted in Ferndalia and largely ignored in Boozonia (except as it gave leave for late night snacking after returning from the bar). As the Emperor became more strident in his demands for culinary compliance and the opposition began to prepare for armed resistance a new problem came into view; a huge and savage fleet sailed into the Middle Sea from the east.
       With its ships brimming over with strange and frightful warriors the invaders swiftly conquered the island of Mindoro and waged unrelenting war upon anyone they encountered. Shaken from their collective madness by the sudden arrival of an existential threat the Gluttonians set aside their differences and prepared to recover the island of Mindoro from the interlopers. Hoping to heal his nations wounds Ferdinand decided to lead the armada in person. At first things went well with a successful landing on Mindoro followed by a couple of battlefield victories but, as he prepared to attack the capital of the invaders Ferdinand was killed in an insignificant skirmish.
        Normally this would not have proved a problem as the Empress had provided Ferdinand with three sons; Hanz, Franz and Clauz. The issue arose from the fact that Franz and Hanz were identical twins who had spent so much of their youths lying about which one was which that nobody was really sure who had been born first, thus clouding the line of succession. This was compounded by the fact that they were both a little more than slightly mad. Furthermore, Hanz was a Small Plate disciple while Franz was a follower of the Proper Meal School. Poor Clauz, the three years younger son, was clearly the smartest and most even tempered of the three but he was frightfully ugly and had not yet reached the age of majority. The House of Flambiose was poised on the brink of ruin.
         Into this unstable situation stepped his Most Caloric Majesty the King of Freedonia, Louis the Ravenous XIII. He held forth that he had known the Flamboise twins since their early days and he knew that Franz (who was conveniently staying in the Freedonian capital at the time) was the One True Heir and offered to escort him to the Gluttonian capitol Vienee for his coronation. Not to be outdone Peter the Famished II of Ferndalia promptly declared that he too had known the royal twins since childhood and he had determined that Hanz (who, oddly enough, was staying in the Ferndalia capitol at the time) was the rightful heir. Peter had already begun his procession to the Gluttonian capitol for the coronation. In the north the Boozonian High Constable, Gordon Ramsey, declared that the twins should not to be considered the legal heirs due to their madness and advocated that Clauz be make Emperor. Unfortunately Clauz had been last seen on a three-day bender in the Boozonian coastal city of Bowmore so his March to Fame would have to wait.
           With all the elements of a Civil War in play back home the Gluttonian army swiftly contracted a unduly generous peace treaty with the invaders granting them permanent rights to the Island of Mindoro as fiefs of the House of Flamboise. The invading army, both confused and delighted, promptly agreed and signed the treaty. While doing so they politely inquired as to the ownership of the nearby large islands, Kassabalka and Khrotos. Having been assured that they did not belong to the House of Flambiose they swiftly set about invading both.The Gluttonian army fell into arguing factions as they traveled home and narrowly avoided armed conflict with itself.
          This is the sorry state of affairs that we find ourselves in today; Gluttonia armed to the teeth and divided, two claimants to the empty Imperial Throne, foreign armies approaching its borders from the east, west and south while the only heir that offers any chance of a hopeful future has gone missing on a drunken fishing trip far to the north.

3 comments:

  1. A lovely sized game and nicely presented post. Thanks.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are welcome, there is lots more in the pipeline, please stay tuned!

    ReplyDelete

The Origins of the Thirty Course War       The continent of Epicurea had long known peace. Certainly there were the occasional uprisin...